Forgiving the Unforgiveable Pt. 2

A few weeks ago, I posed the scenario of being called to forgive someone who continually commits harm onto someone and, not only refuses to repent, but refuses to acknowledge that what they are doing is harmful. I also stated I did not know how someone goes about forgiving someone of that.

The weeks since that post has been filled with a series of....conversations, persay, between me and the Lord. And I realized forgiveness is a gift being bestowed to the other person. A cutting of ties to any authority that person has had in your life, to your life, and to your psych/soul/body. Forgiving someone is releasing them from vengence being sought for the attrocities they committed against you and others. I don't know about you - but I was angry hearing the above because what right does God hold to ask me to release my right to seek out vengence - to get what I am owed in blood/the courts/what have you and the Lord stopped me and stated "Vengence is Mine."

This 100% threw me for a loop especially since I was expecting the typical Christian response of something like "I forgave you for your attrocities" or "If you do not forgive them, I will not forgive you" or some other horseshit strong armed response (which my dear siblings, please do not respond to a person's justifiable anger with either of those in response. It won't help and will further mock and shame them which is the oppose of what God does and at no point do we want to partner with the enemy in weaponizing scripture to bring forth shame and guilt in a person. Shame and guilt does not equate conviction but that is a topic for another day). But yeah, overall? Not what response I expected to receive back in prayer.

So then what? Well, I dust my shock off to go forward pointing out every place I thought God did not come to my aide and instead "sat there and watched and for what? Sick amusement?? A setup to use this as a scheme later?" At which point I got shhed by the Lord and He held me and pointed out every single instance He was there with me, shielding me from the worst (with half of things going sideways doing so because God nudged me in one direction and I got spooked and ran the opposite), Him tracking me down every time I ran away, Him asking to heal things inside me I screamed no at Him for, Him taking steps behind the scenes the entire time, and then He showed me something else. He showed me how my relationship with Him grew throughout it. He showed me where He came through strong than any harm the church tried to bring against me in His name. He showed me how these key (and very precious) moments between Me and Him would never have been able to occur if He hadn't allowed the humans disobeying Him to continue doing so while He worked with them on their beliefs and their relationship with Him.

I felt touched and then proceeded to call God a manipulator which He laughed at. And He pointed these things out and He pointed out the history and the things leading to the person I am today and He asked "if you could change any of it - knowing what each instance of pain lead to - would you?" And guys - that was our discussion from there on. If I did this, what would have happened. What about this or what if so and so listened to what they got in prayer here and so forth. He never once allowed me to remove free will from the equation. And when I proposed miracles like, ohhh I don't know, fire from the heavens? He showed me who is around. Who would be able to have the faith here to do such miracles? Would I be in a state to hold conviction through the miracle? And He asked if the results of the miracle would work to pull those people in closer to Him in a relational way or would those miracles act to further their prayers in trying to strong arm God into obeying their thoughts and their command or, worse, further the ongoing jealousy behind half of the problems in how I was being treated.

And yall, I have to say the truth? Sucks. By the time I manage to realize, come to terms with, and emotionally move forward with the concept of "everything that occurred was one of the preferred outcomes in the case of these people refusing to obey me" and recongize that, knowing what I know? I would not change a piece of what occurred short of removing free will (which, if i had it my way, free will wouldve been gone but Adonai does not want puppets, He wants individual children with their own wants, wishes, desires, thoughts, and actions apart from His own while still being within His realm/kingdom laws. I suspect a being from eternity likes the spontenuity after awhile) - Adonai went ahead with my next complaint/reason/excuse ok? It was an excuse to not forgive the people and I'm not proud but I stand by my emotions and feelings in the moment because there was a lot of justified, Godly anger mixed in there with the depravity and it makes it hard to let go of something you know to your core/soul it offends the Lord and brings Him to anger.

Anyways - my next complaint. I went ahead and said fine, "I forgive them for everything they did to me. What about these people who all had their relationship with You wrecked because of it? What about these people who are still convinced Your Voice is actually a demonic entity (regardless of how many times you repeat Jesus is Lord to them)? What about people currently being harmed? What about the people being led astray to harm even more people in a similar manner??" And I sat on this for a long while. A long longgg while yall. Eventually, I got to Ezekiel 34 (and I would've been there sooner but I was angry and Ezekiel chapters were hitting harder than I was ok with). And - to summerize - it is the bits about how God goes to collect His scattered sheep when a shepherd fails in their duty and a replay of everything God did to bring the ministry wrecking His people's relationships with Him to its knees (and then to nothing with steps continuing to be taken to completely erase the harm caused by that period of leadership). And then, He rolled memories through my head showing me all these things He has been doing with the people who have been harmed. He pointed out so many details I didn't think on or consider or even realize He had been doing in the background while I was still reeling with piecing together I had been hurt and betrayed by someone I called my spiritual father. He showed me how much He has not let the matter go. He showed me how much work and effort and planning He was doing then, is doing now, and is continually doing with goal posts to attain based on decisions made by each individual involved (ultimately dictating if they feel justice here and now with repentance or if they continue to harm people it will be dealt with on the otherside). And after all that? I realized what right do I have to hold vengence against them on top of all this? The steps and genuine thoughtfulness and planning that Adonai put into everything down to the core issues at play, the places each individual needs healing and correction in, using chances to encourage growth in each individual and never once using a person to strong arm another closer to Him or to force compliance was a level I could never compete at. So I let it go. My mind was at ease in understanding that regardless of what I did or said - Adonai had it handled. All that would change is how it got handled and I had the ability and choice to take part in chosing (or, in this case, completely stop some stuff from being able to occur) to align myself with God and give myself over to Him to be moved strategically.

Let me recap in blunt statements. I never would have felt safe to allow myself to align with God's will in such a way if I didn't understand the level of care and consideration He puts forth in regards to me and my safety and my health and my growth as a person. I would have never been able to place myself in such a vulnerable position if I did not understand the true consequences that would be brought about by allowing myself to be moved to places that, on the surface, would open me up to being significantly harmed once again. I would not have placed myself in such a position without understanding what is really occurring behind the scenes during potential periods of me being attacked verbally and maliciously once again by people who successfully managed to break me in the first place. The mindset and deep understanding that all being required of you is forgiving them so you can heal and you can no longer be frightened and afraid anymore or have an overwhelming or lingering sense of doom hanging over your head changes the picture to something else. No longer is it you in a position being attacked successfully when imagining how possible new encounters might occur (I'm looking at you constant worrying and planning and you too PTSD flashbacks followed by "but what if" spirals). Now, you see yourself smug in Adonai's lap - safe knowing they can not harm you without Adonai allowing it in those encounters and I personally just enjoy the picture of me purring smugly on Abba's lap while my abusers rage and rage and rage against God. And I am further joyfilled in realizing I only need to repeat the words given to me and otherwise? I can ignore anything they say or try to do? Because Adonai has His eye on them and is handling it and I am in the safest position anyone could ever be in - His lap praising and worshipping Him and spending 24/7 quality time with Him.

So how do you forgive something unforgiveable? I suppose the biggest answer is - you talk about it. Talk about it with people. Talk about it in prayer. Allow the rage and the anger and the hurt to come up in gutwrenching raw conversations with God in the center. Feel the rage. Feel the pain. And feel the harm and alll of the built up pain and agression can go in prayer to God. He is a big boy. He can handle your fears and anxieties and your deepest darkest secrets. He is not angry at you coming to Him in such states. He is not there to beat judgement and fire and guilt and shame into you because of it. He simply wishes to hear your honest thoughts and feelings on matters and He works with you (sometimes using others too or time and references you understand better) to talk about it. And He works and asks permission to come and heal you, to rebuild, and in this process of talking with God - there is where you will find your ability to forgive them. In the conversation with the Lord you will realize it is not on you to enact nor ensure vengence is brought against people who personally harmed you or others. Vengence is the Lord's and be in peace knowing He has seen and heard what occurred and is occurring to this day. And He will not let it go untouched.